I’ve been thinking about something lately.
I can usually spot a problem pretty quickly.
Sometimes before the person responsible for it even realizes there’s a problem.
And once I see it, I want to fix it.
Preferably right then.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
After all, recognizing problems and finding solutions is part of leadership.
It’s part of parenting.
It’s part of teaching.
But I’ve been learning that being right about a problem doesn’t automatically mean I’m handling it the right way.
Ouch.
I don’t particularly like that lesson.
Because sometimes I really am right.
But apparently, being right isn’t the only thing that matters.
There’s a Difference Between Correcting and Teaching
I’ve spent most of my adult life in education.
And one of the things I love about Montessori education is that we don’t expect children to learn everything the first time they’re shown something.
We demonstrate.
We give them opportunities to practice.
We observe.
And when something doesn’t go quite right, we help them learn.
We don’t take a three-year-old who spills water and give them a lecture about being irresponsible.
We show them where the towel is.
We help them clean it up.
We give them another opportunity to try.
Because the goal isn’t simply to have a dry floor.
The goal is to help the child become capable.
Now, I know adults aren’t three-year-olds.
Although I’ve attended a few meetings that might make you wonder.
But the principle still matters.
When someone makes a mistake, what am I trying to accomplish?
Am I trying to prove that I was right?
Am I trying to get the problem fixed?
Or am I trying to help that person become more capable?
Ideally, the last two.
People Remember How You Made Them Feel
I can remember teachers from my childhood.
Some of them made me feel like I could accomplish almost anything.
Others made me feel small.
And interestingly, I don’t always remember exactly what they taught me.
But I remember how I felt in their classrooms.
That’s something worth thinking about.
Our words can stay with people much longer than we realize.
A parent may forget the exact conversation they had with a child.
The child may remember it for years.
An employer may think a correction was just a quick conversation.
The employee may spend the rest of the day wondering whether they’re any good at their job.
A spouse may think they’re simply pointing out something that needs to change.
The other person may hear, “Nothing I do is ever good enough.”
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t correct people.
Sometimes we absolutely need to.
But the way we deliver the message can determine whether someone learns from it or simply feels defeated by it.
Good Intentions Don’t Always Produce Good Results
This is one of those lessons I wish I could say I’ve mastered.
I haven’t.
I tend to be fairly direct.
If something is wrong, I want to talk about what’s wrong.
If something needs to change, I want to explain what needs to change.
In my mind, I’m being helpful.
I’m identifying the problem so we can solve it.
But sometimes I forget that the person hearing my words may be hearing something else.
They may hear disappointment.
Or criticism.
Or frustration.
Or they may feel that everything they’ve done right has been overlooked because I’m focused on the one thing that needs improvement.
And sometimes, to be fair, I really haven’t taken enough time to notice what they’ve done right.
That’s something I’m working on.
People need to know that we see more than their mistakes.
Correction Without Encouragement Can Become Discouragement
Imagine working hard on something.
You’ve put in time.
You’ve tried.
You’ve solved problems.
You’ve accomplished quite a bit.
Then someone walks in, looks around, and immediately points out the one thing you missed.
How would you feel?
Probably not especially appreciated.
Now imagine that same person says:
“I can see how much work you’ve put into this. This part looks great. There’s one thing we still need to fix. Let’s look at it.”
Same problem.
Same correction.
Very different experience.
And here’s the interesting thing.
It doesn’t require us to be less honest.
We don’t have to pretend something is wonderful when it isn’t.
We don’t have to ignore mistakes.
We simply need to recognize the whole picture.
Encouragement and accountability aren’t opposites.
Good leadership requires both.
So does good parenting.
And, I suspect, a good marriage.
Sometimes We Need to Ask Before We Tell
Here’s another habit I’m trying to develop.
Instead of immediately explaining what someone did wrong, ask a question.
“What happened?”
“Walk me through how you approached this.”
“What were you trying to accomplish?”
“Is there something I’m missing?”
Sometimes there’s information I don’t have.
Sometimes the person misunderstood the instructions.
Sometimes they were working with circumstances I didn’t know about.
And sometimes…
they simply made a mistake.
That happens too.
But asking first gives us a better chance of responding to the actual problem instead of the problem we’ve already created in our minds.
It also gives the other person an opportunity to think.
And thinking is how people learn.
Kindness Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Now, I want to be careful here.
Because there’s another extreme.
Some people are so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings that they never address problems.
They avoid the conversation.
They hope things improve.
They make excuses.
And eventually a small problem becomes a much bigger one.
That’s not kindness either.
If someone needs to improve, withholding honest feedback doesn’t help them.
If someone’s behavior is affecting other people, ignoring it isn’t fair to anyone involved.
And when safety or serious responsibilities are involved, correction needs to be clear and timely.
The goal isn’t to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
The goal is to have necessary conversations in a way that preserves dignity and creates an opportunity for improvement.
We can be kind and still be firm.
We can be understanding and still have expectations.
We can care about someone and still say:
“This needs to change.”
The Question I Want to Remember
I think the question I’m going to try asking myself more often is:
“What do I want this person to walk away knowing?”
Do I want them to know they disappointed me?
Do I want them to know I was right?
Or do I want them to understand what needs to change and believe they’re capable of changing it?
That’s a different way of approaching the conversation.
It changes how I begin.
It changes the words I choose.
It may even change whether I need to have the conversation right now or wait until I’ve had a chance to think.
Because sometimes the first thing that comes into my head…
probably shouldn’t be the first thing that comes out of my mouth.
I’m sure none of you have ever had that problem.
Your Challenge for the Week
This week, pay attention to how you respond when someone makes a mistake.
Before you correct them, ask yourself:
Have I understood what actually happened?
Have I recognized what this person is doing well?
Am I addressing the behavior, or am I attacking the person?
Am I giving them a clear opportunity to improve?
And perhaps most importantly:
Would I want someone to speak to me this way?
That last question can be uncomfortable.
But it’s worth asking.
A Lesson I’m Still Learning
I don’t think the answer is to become less direct.
Directness can be a strength.
People shouldn’t have to guess what we mean.
But I do think I can become more thoughtful about how I communicate.
I can take a few extra seconds.
I can ask a question.
I can acknowledge someone’s effort.
I can explain what needs to change without making the person feel like they’re a failure.
And I can remember that my responsibility isn’t just to get things done.
It’s also to help people grow.
I’ve always believed that education is about helping people discover what they’re capable of becoming.
That doesn’t stop when someone turns eighteen.
We’re all still learning.
Including me.
Especially me, some days.
Final Thought
The next time someone makes a mistake, remember that you have an opportunity.
You can embarrass them.
You can discourage them.
You can make them afraid to try again.
Or you can help them learn.
You can be honest without being harsh.
You can hold people accountable without humiliating them.
You can recognize the problem without overlooking the person.
And sometimes, the greatest lesson you teach won’t be the correction itself.
It will be the way you treated someone while you were correcting them.
People may forget the exact words you used. But they often remember whether you made them feel capable of doing better.
So correct when correction is needed.
Encourage whenever you can.
And remember that the goal isn’t simply to point out what’s wrong.
The goal is to help someone learn how to make it right.
That’s the kind of teacher I want to be.
The kind of leader I want to be.
And the kind of person I hope I’m becoming.
References
● Sharma, Robin. The Everyday Hero Manifesto. HarperCollins, 2021.
● Proverbs 15:1.
● Proverbs 18:21.
● Ephesians 4:15.
● Ephesians 4:29.
● Galatians 6:1.
● Colossians 4:6.
● James 1:19.
Remember… life isn’t changed by one big decision. It’s changed by the little decisions we make every day. Today’s small choices become tomorrow’s legacy. So choose wisely, love deeply, keep learning, and keep growing. Until next Monday, have a wonderful week… and keep building your legacy, one small choice at a time.